DAWN OF THE ETERNAL GUMPTION =)

BOY

BOY: absent ako khapon mam kc nakunan ang aking mama, ako ang iniwan.
TEACHER: spik in english dis s an english clas.
BOY: i was absent yestersday bcz my mam was subtracted and i was the remainder.

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Mahiwagang Pantalon

BATA: Kuya may nabili akong pantalon…
KUYA: Anong tatak?
BATA:GUESS!
KUYA:Ralph Lauren??

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Say it in English

Stud: Ma’am pasensya na, nawala ako kahapon kasi nanganak ang nanay ko.
Titser: Speak in English!!
Stud: Ma’am, I was lost yesterday because my mother was born…
Titser: Very good, seeting down…

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masunurin

Pedro: indayyy…..
Inday: sir,bakit po?
Pedro: pakitimpla mo nga ako ng kape
Inday: sandali lang po sir.

Pagbalik ni Inday dala ang kape:
Inday: sir,ito na pong kape nyo…
Pedro: di ba sabi ko sayo ilagay mo sa platito pag humingi ako ng kape?
Inday: sorry po sir,nakalimutan ko kasi.
Pedro: lagi mo na lang nakalimutan.sa sunod na utos ko wag mo nang kalimutan ha..
Inday:opo sir
Pedro: o sige,pakikuha nga ng sapatos ko dahil aalis na ako pagkatapos nito.

Pagbalik ni inday dala ang sapatos:
Pedro: (gulat)inday,anong ginawa mo?bakit nilagay mo sa platito yang sapatos ko?
Inday: eh kasi sabi nyo sa sunod na utos mo ilagay ko sa platito…
pedro: ngeeek!!!!

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Kape’t Tinapay
Anak umiiyak na umuuwi sa bahay.

Tatay: O anong nangyari sa’yo? Bakit ka umiiyak. Saan ka ba galing?
Anak: Sa kapitbahay po nating namatayan nag v vigel. huh…huh….
Tatay: O bakit ka nga ba umiiyak?
Anak: Kac d nila ako binigyan ng kape at tinapay!
Tatay: Bakit daw?
Anak: Ewan ko! Basta Itay, pag namamatay ka, di rin natin cla bigyan ng kape at tinapay ha?

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DOCTOR’S CLINIC

PATIENT: Doc, ano ba ang gamot sa kuto ko?
DOCTOR: Bakit , ano bang sakit ng kuto mo??

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FRATERNITY FRAT LIDER: balita ko GAY ka daw, totoo ba?

MEMBER: Gus2 ko talagang linawin yan, ende ako GAY! Mga chizmax lang yan galing sa mga chuvanunez na walang ma do sa mga chenilyn nila!

..mga CHAKA EVER!

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MELANIE

Nasa mall si Melanie Marquez nang may nakasalubong na dalawang babae.

2 Babae: Hey bitch!

Melanie: (galit) Dont you ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever call me

"HEY"!

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Ngongo

May ngongong nagpapa atras ng jeep. Sabi nya kanal pero hindi nya masabi ng tama. pagkakaintindi ng driver kanan kaya kumanan ung jeep. at nahulog ito sa kanal.

Ang Gulay at Saranggola

Nanay : Anak lutuin mo na yung gulay para may makain na tayo
Anak : ‘Nay maya na BC pa po ako eh
Nanay : Bakit anak ano ba ginagawa mo
Anak : Eto pong saranggola ko
Nanay : Bakit anak makakain mo ba yang saranggola
Anak : Bakit ‘nay mapapalipad nyo ba ang gulay?

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SINAING

NANAY: Anak, damihan mo sinaing kasama pusa’t aso.
ANAK: opo nay.
makalipas ang isang oras….
NANAY: pambihira! bakit may pusa sa sinaing?
ANAK: Hindi ko na nga po isinama ang aso kase hindi na kasya….

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Si Ngongo

Si mister ay isang ngongo. minsan nung sya ay pauwi sa bahay,,,naisip nya na sorpresahin ang kanyang misis, kaya dahan dahan syang pumasok at sa kitchen ay nandun ang kanyang misis. Kaya dahan dahan din nyang tinakpan ang mata mula sa likod, sabay sabi…"NGESS HUUU?"….sagot ng misis: pambihira, pa guess guess who ka pa, e ikaw lang naman ang ngongo d2….

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Jeepney

Estudyante: Mama bayad!
Drayber: San galing?

Estudyante: SA AKIN! =)
Drayber: (pilosopo to tah)SAN PAPUNTA!

Estudyante: SA ‘YO! =)

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ADAM and EVE

One day in the garden of Eden…

EVE: Adam, do you really love me??

ADAM: No, not really…..

EVE: Then why did you make love to me??

ADAM: HALLER?????

….AS IF I HAVE A CHOICE BETWEEN YOU AND THE SNAKE….

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walang laman!

Holdaper: Joldap to pare! anong gusto mo wallet o utak?
Mama: Bahala ka na ‘tol… pareho namang walang laman yan eh!!!

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A first grade teacher collected some well-known sayings. She then gave each child in her class the first half of the sayings and asked them to come up with the second half. Their insights may surprise you:

* You can’t teach an old dog new…math.

** A miss is as good as a…Mr.

*** The pen is mightier than the…pigs.

**** Better to be safe than…punch a fifth grader.

***** Never underestimate the power of…termites.

****** Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and…you have to blow your nose.

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New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.       
      Saint Peter said, "Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.       
      Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
      
      Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
      
      "Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

One day an elderly pastor confides in his parishioners that he’s feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the pastor that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the pastor hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot. Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the pastor.After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the pastor walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the pastor in even more colorful language.Finally the pastor has had it and says, "All right, that’s it. Grabbing a blanket, the pastor throws it over the parrot’s cage and screams, "Now, SHUT UP!" Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the pastor removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the pastor again.
By this time, the pastor is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the pastor is considering killing the bird. Just as he’s thinking this, it gets very…very quiet.At first the pastor just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.
The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I’ve caused you . In the future, I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary."The pastor is astounded. He can’t believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the pastor and says, "Um….by the way, what did the chicken do?"
= = = = == == = == = = = = = = = = = = = = == = = = = = = = = = =

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
      
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
      
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
      
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: "I think it’s Adam’s suit!"

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:
      
      1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
      
      2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
      
      3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
      
      4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
      
      5. Don’t burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
      
      6. Don’t discuss your problems with him.
      
      On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.
      
      "You’re going to die," she replied.

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In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention– so he’s let go .
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade, he claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem…."

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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.      
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. ?????
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. ?????
Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. ?????
"Oh, it’s nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He’s just decomposing!"
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Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful, considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"My Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Rachel’, he told me. ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Knowing you’ll do this, I can rest in peace’."  "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably. "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods."   
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’.      
At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring.      
"So?", said Rachel, "You like my stone?"
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Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted."Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.Next it was the Italian’s turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.Now it was the Jew’s turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew.
"Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!"      
"So, I’ll wait…"

THAT’s ALL FOR NOW. =)

UP NEXT: BRAIN TEASERS =>

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